New Designation Allows Mayor to Lollygag Maskless in Nation’s Capitol Mayor Arreguin enjoyed a welcome respite from Berkeley’s ongoing efforts to reduce the risk of COVID infection by traveling to our nation’s capitol. While Berkeley residents and businesses remain vigilient in face of ongoing COVID risk and rising infection rates by wearing masks indoors at […]
Free As A Bird No More: Neighbors Demand Moratorium on Avian Copulation
Residents Complain UC Berkeley Has Failed to Build Enough Campaniles Local residents were incensed after BerkeleySide reported that Annie, the Campanile’s resident peregrine falcon, has produced her 15th chick. Residents sued the university challenging the impact of letting falcons reproduce unchecked on campus. Shill Raptor, president of Neighbors Against Gyrfalcon (NAG), cited the fact Annie’s […]
“Hacktivist” Cal Students Intercept Putin’s Vacation Planning email’s
Observers suggest Russian President’s Subordinates are Afraid of Conveying Holiday Facts A group of Cal students identifying as a “hacktivist” club was able to intercept an email conversation between Vladimir Putin and his travel agent. The conversation centered around the arrangements for Putin’s summer holiday with the travel agent continually deflecting the Russian president’s suggestions […]
Save Berkeley’s Neighborhoods Considered Leading Contender for Noble Peace Prize
Accomplishes Seemingly Impossible Task of Unanimously Uniting California’s Legislature Eleven days after the state Supreme Court upheld an enrollment cap ruling that would have required UC Berkeley to cancel the admission of over 3,000 students, the California Legislature passed a bill allowing the university to admit them. Today, Governor Newson signed the legislation into law. […]
BREAKING NEWS: Berkeley Residents Protest Chez Panisse’s Annexation of Cesar
City Council Considers Sanctions In one of the largest acts of civil disobedience in recent memory, city residents massed in North Berkeley to protest Chez Panisse’s annexation of Cesar. Throngs of demonstrators with signs reading “We Want Paella” and “Community Over Profit” denounced Alice Waters for her “culinary aggression” against an independent dining establishment. Waters […]
City Reaps Record Windfall from Auto Repair Businesses
Realignment of Milvia Street Proves to be a Cash-Cow Public Works Considering Installing Random Concrete Barriers to Recover $7.2M Budget Shortfall Antonio Matucchi has been in the vehicle repair business for over 30 years. He specializes in front end alignments for high performance cars. At the beginning of the year, Matucchi noticed a sudden uptick […]
New Report Finds Propane Heaters Bankrupting Berkeley’s Carbon Budget
City Council Holds Emergency Meeting and Calls for “Decisive” Action A new report suggests that the proliferation of outdoor propane heaters at the city’s dining establishments has resulted in a disturbing uptick in greenhouse gas emissions. The report finds that these emissions threaten to undermine progress towards the city’s Vision 2050 carbon neutral goals. Researchers […]
Berkeley will attempt to mine its way out of insolvency
The city of Berkeley will convert its iconic, but abandoned Old City Hall into a data center for mining cryptocurrency, in an attempt to generate a revenue stream that can match the crushing, $2 billion unfunded liabilities of the Arreguin era. “We’re in a huge hole,” said Mayor Arreguin, and it’s “all Shirley Dean’s fault. […]
Berkeley’s New Crypto Gig Launched With Much Fanfare
Consumer group raises concerns over risks to small investors; analyst describes scheme as double taxation In an effort to expand the utilization of Cryptocurrency beyond alleviating “driving shame” city council has moved to create a micro bond program designed to pay interest by issuing tokens on a secure and auditable Blockchain ledger. The mayor’s office […]
Berkeley Street Repaved with 100% Reclaimed Asphalt
Novel Reclaim Effort Done on Contractors Own Initiative: No City Council Mandate Required Tar Bitumen has been in the street repaving business for decades. As a result, he understands every aspect of street engineering and the supply chain issues associated with street repairs. Bitumen’s firm, PCI Zero Enterprises (PCIZE), has been contracted by the City […]