Free As A Bird No More: Neighbors Demand Moratorium on Avian Copulation

Residents Complain UC Berkeley Has Failed to Build Enough Campaniles Local residents were incensed after BerkeleySide reported that Annie, the Campanile’s resident peregrine falcon, has produced her 15th chick. Residents sued the university challenging the impact of letting falcons reproduce unchecked on campus. Shill Raptor, president of Neighbors Against Gyrfalcon (NAG), cited the fact Annie’s […]

New Report Finds Propane Heaters Bankrupting Berkeley’s Carbon Budget

City Council Holds Emergency Meeting and Calls for “Decisive” Action A new report suggests that the proliferation of outdoor propane heaters at the city’s dining establishments has resulted in a disturbing uptick in greenhouse gas emissions. The report finds that these emissions threaten to undermine progress towards the city’s Vision 2050 carbon neutral goals. Researchers […]

Severe PTSD Strongly Associated with Exposure to Berkeley Boards and Commissions

Shocking New Epidemiological Study Demonstrates Exposure-Risk Relationship Epidemiologists at the Berkeley School of Public Health have provided the most definitive evidence ever that exposure to Berkeley’s over 40 boards and commissions is driving an alarming outbreak of post traumatic stress disorder. The new study demonstrates a strong correlation between exposure hours to Berkeley’s commissioners and […]

Walkability highly correlated with package theft in Berkeley, study shows

Writing in the Journal of Really Really Advanced Statistics, Dr T. Cuddler, revealed a truth long denied but quietly suspected : walkable neighborhoods are a target for porch pirates. Walkability scores reflect the distance to public transit and other amenities for a particular neighborhood. More suburban settings, such as are found in the Berkeley hills, […]